.nausea.

i push the feeling down
as a wave of nausea and expectation rise
at the base of my throat
i’m ill over the idea of you

lost in my thoughts because my lips
refuse to part
i don’t want a single sound to escape
or you’ll know
and my eyes wander in the distance
over your head, anywhere but into the gaze of your eyes
no point in you seeing the way I feel
if my words will never catch up

you captivate me and even as these letters
become another word in reference to you
i still can’t speak
my tongue longs for the day when
it can whisper my passions
into your ear

.crush.

If I told you that I wanted you that I wake up and the first thought is what your lips would taste like at that very moment, would you take me seriously, could you?

 If I’m bold enough to prove to you that these words have action & emotion behind them, then would you lend me the care of your heart? 

I’ve drawn circles and squares setting us between them and created the shape of love 

I’m waiting and wondering what your passions sound like breathed into my ear before you climax within the wetness engulfing my fingers 

I want you …more than is imaginable 

So much to the point that I breathe in your voice and forget the sound of mine 

You are beauty In every sense of the noun I’m at a loss for verbs, adjectives and conjunctions to clutter up the space between my tongue & your skin 

The most desirable sin, 

you’ve become a need I’ll chase into the early hours of the morning 

I’d stay awake forever just to watch you open your eyes, look at me and say “you are my love.” 

Patiently, earnestly and with nothing but sincere devotion to your soul, I pledge my affection & whisper words of your praise into the night sky I’ve fallen and there’s no place I would rather be then here.

.scattered.

catching laughter between palms that cover mouths, fingers that hold space time and mine

 I’ve walked the length of your mind and I still won’t tire as I wait for you to be mine 

I’m but a lover in love with the love of my life and the infinite possibilities that lay before me, woven like a web of delicious deceit spun with fibers that hold together even the weakest, then dine on their convenience 

you’re a victimless crime and ill punish myself for you 

I would lay down bricks to create a path for you to walk in between the chaos of our minds 

I don’t mind; you’re worth this time 

let me have you

.she writes.

she writes poems for me
because the words can never seem to fall from her lips
yet the ink that stains her paper holds more weight,
more truth,
than I’ve ever heard her mutter out loud
my intense desire to hear those words, rather than run my fingers over flat black marks piques her interest
for she’s incapable of living and loving out loud
all her feelings are trapped between two surfaces
while she’s a prisoner in her thoughts
and I often wonder how we would be, together, if she was free

.desire.

close your eyes so I can feel your soul from the inside out
see me without looking at me
touch me without your skin against mine
I’m lost in the sound of your voice
and when I’m not near, I imagine your lips parting so that
my fingertips graze the softest parts moments before I kiss them
I crave each second, each minute, to watch the want in your body unravel
threads of your heart, pulled back together when we merge
so beautiful you are, that this ache is like a wretched thorn in my heart
but I’ll bleed it dry just to spend one more moment in your presence
passion breaks the silence between our paused speech and builds a bridge
where we meet again for the first time
I want your forever
because you are mine

.love's slave.

Syllables and sounds of regret dance
Like flames on hot coals
Tongues disfigured in an ambiguous distortion of the truth
Your truth
But I know better
These sounds form words and lay upon my shoulder
Tips, kissed and brushed away with passion’s empty promises
I’ll never be the only one
Your only
But for now you’re here with me

So I imagine a time and place where
Rushed want is from desire rather than
A conflict of time with her
Despite the way your hand moves across my face
And tells me this is just what it is
The truth hides behind your eyes
Which unlike your mouth are unable to form such deceptive lies
I smile back in knowing that
The taste of me lingers on you When she pulls you close at night
I stroke your hair and feel the ease
In your body from my touch
And know that my goodbye will be
The very impact of love in all its complexities
So no note, no words this time
Just silence
For words become love’s slave
And this prisoner is ready to break free

.morning.

Yawns surface & light pours into my windows
Morning has found me again casting shadows on
Eyes that never closed and on arms that clutch pillows
Where you used to lay
How can the day be so beautiful when everything inside of me feels so ugly?
I turn to face the wall, yet the sun, relentless in its pursuit of happiness drenches me in the warmth of nature's peaceful advice
To "just be"
Even though my spirit is broken and my tongue is stilled by words exchanged in anger
I feel the energy of healing spread across my fingertips loosening the grip on sheets I'd held in defiance
Birds chirp melodies only they know the words to and the day begins anew
All that's missing is you

Unavailable

Unavailable
It's like a flashing red neon sign the minute I think we're pushing up earth with new roots
I see the same weeds attacking everything we've built
Choking the life out of destiny
And drying up my garden of tears
You're but a cruel joke continuously played on my open heart
And I can't help but laugh
At my stupidity
I wait for you to become the love you promised you would be
But you sink and never rise to the occasion
You're nothing but a pipe dream buried deep within the darkness of my soul

Hero

In despair
each and every time I
silently wish for a hero
but only you appear
(The one who broke my heart)
With glue and promises in tow
But you look so different as a hero
That I forget underneath it all you were first the villain
I forget I wouldn't need to be saved
If I stopped putting myself in harm's way
I forget I wouldn't need your kisses to evaporate the tears you made fall
Your words dance like bubbles, soft penetrable and limited in their ability to do anything but completely disappear
My fingertips still wet and sticky
with the residue of I Love You's
But that's it -- and I can't be too sure if you were ever here
You've left no traces of an attempt to ever stay

Untitled

I love you
Fell like shards of glass onto linoleum
Cracked pieces scattered everywhere so the truth could not be recovered
Picking up my heart again with a dustpan and a broom
Stooped low towards the ground listening to the melody of heartache
Smash against reality
Sometimes it's not worth knowing the words to the same song
If you'll only burrow inside the sound to escape
Chastising myself and taking a vow of silence from the L word
The capacity to succumb reduced with my feet firmly planted on the ground
I'd rather stand alone than fall and break
There's only so much of me left

Untitled

Words float on the edge of bubbles at the bottom of this bottle
Shipwrecked from my heart they've wandered aimlessly into the unknown
Numbing sadness hits my tastebuds in splashes and the sweet flavor of honesty is like an awakening
I'm born again there, tabula rasa
And you've been reduced to the fine dust left behind from the eraser
I'm ready to forget

untitled

false truths fall faster from your lips
than I love you can hide behind my eyes
the speed of fear and love at the intersection
of reality
chasing you like a thief in the night
you’ve stolen my heart and run away with it
too afraid to stay and let it beat inside the palms
of your hands
so
you squeeze, I’m without breath, air
i’m starved for your affection
and alive merely by the will to eat

Love's Labryinth

Talking until my lips turn blue
Cold air passing between them
Landing anywhere but near your ears
You don't hear me

It's as if the audio on your heart has turned down the logic in you mind and things are scrambled, jumbled and ready to topple over at a moments notice
You're unstable, like a house built without a foundation
You will never be home.

My thoughts fold like origami and try to make sense of the person before me
Layers of something with an end product of hidden chambers, interlocking bits & pieces
How did we get here? Love's labyrinth

I've lost you and myself in the process
Chasing your insecurities like thieves in the night
Wanting you whole was my only crime
Yet I've been sentenced to life without reciprocity

So my hearts stops banging inside my chest and splits into two,
every memory, moment and passion begins to spill out
And stain the walls of my body
I'm missing again

-untitled-

Falling out of love is like hearing drops of your soul hit the corners of a metal tin can, a quick splash here & there,
The echoes of loneliness like a hollow drum, beating a rhythm only tears can hear
The sound of pain, the way it reflects & slides down into every corner, every crevice & dries
It's as if it was never there
But the taste of salt still lies on fingertips,
That captured them from eyes, moist with regret
Love once was held there in stolen moments, nights of passion & kisses that lingered in hidden places
Bruises of love's faults left just beneath the surface
Of a heart that beats no more

.fraud.

You're a fraud, you
Tiptoe through hearts where locks were left unturned & steal what wasn't yours to take

You leave muddy footprints & smudged finger swirls upon every thing within your path, you're arrogant

So arrogant that you permanent mark your desire to disrespect on the lips of lovers & in between the sheets of other frauds you seek to compete with

Your eyes bore holes & store information in the form
of facial explanation so at a moment's
notice you can recall & reformat data to do your life's work of being something to someone, anyone
Who will listen or who won't but you want them to

You're lost in a translucent web of emotional destruction on the brink of no tomorrow because your selfishness has sucked today dry

Others are just resources to replenish your empty soul, but it still has that gaping hole --- it all falls through you, it's not you or yours to keep

You're a fraud, you
Tiptoe through hearts where locks were left unturned & steal what wasn't yours to take

I've come for my things

fck it.

When your heart becomes something to be played with rather than something to have, hold, cherish & protect.
When your heart becomes a punching bag, beaten every day at the gym, used for someone else's frustrations & then left in the darkness.
When your heart become a pile of flattened rubber like tire caught on a nail.
When your heart becomes a joke, a reason for stand up, an attraction at parties, an object for entertainment at your expense.
When your heart becomes like grains of sand falling between the fingertips of someone as quickly as their memory of you fades.
When your heart becomes a non factor

.the age of disrespect.

I try and try to wrap my head around the reasons people seek attention outside of their "seemingly" perfect relationships. What is accomplished by flirting and getting your head/ego blown up by someone other than the person you are dating? What is the point of hiding friendships that you know aren't just "friendships" from your significant other because you just have to have those conflict causing individuals in your phone, on your facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram. What's really interesting is why so many people who are out to ruin your relationship have that much access to you at all -- even more curious is why you continue to entertain them after you've been warned.

Most of us who get cheated on (physically and/or emotionally) are usually the ones who'd give our fuckin left lung for the person we are dating, yet it's never reciprocated. Sure, we get pacified with "we're just friends" and "he/she doesn't like me" yet no matter where you turn those barnacle people are still clinging to the rungs of your relation-ship that is slowly sinking into the murky waters of distrust.

Perhaps if they hadn't already been caught in numerous lies in regards to these people, the trust would be there. Just break up. That's what everyone says, but when you try to break it off, no one ever wants to let you leave. After you've invested so much and have done nothing to deserve the wandering eye, you almost want a refund. Like can I get back some sort of emotional reparations for the time, energy and tears I've spent during these years with you? So lemme get this straight, I'm supposed to trust (after trust has been broken multiple times over a few years), pretend your interactions with these people you've crossed lines with in the past are just "friendly" and not wonder who you're texting, tweeting, tumblr'ing with at all hours of the night and just be cool with it all?

Is it the age of disrespect? Literally and chronologically. It's funny, when I was growing up no one sat on the internet day in and day out. In fact you didn't use the internet to date, meet people or cheat. People interacted face to face. One on one. Flesh to flesh. This younger generation is moving at a pace their little brains cannot even comprehend. The drugs, sex, music and inability to communicate without symbols or using ridiculous acronyms is a clear indicator that we've long gone past the time where connecting with each other actually meant something. Socially awkward in person, yet online they create personas, photoshop each and every part of their body until it becomes a collage of what they think is everyone's favorite "eye candy"...no identity and no hope. No originality, no loyalty and no clue what it means to have genuine friendships or relationships. 16 and pregnant. He loves me. Then he loves me not and leaves and now these kids are babies raising babies. I can't help but think so many different facets of society brought things to this point.

As a person who grew up when kids used to still play outside and didn't sit in front of a television all day, it's hard to navigate the friendship as well as the dating scene. People are very different now. Two people can be friends or even in a relationship sitting in the same room, but you'd never know because both are face deep in their new "i do everything but fuck you" phones and other devices. Why read a book when you have another device for that? Why even talk to anyone because more than likely every expensive piece of technology you own will talk back to you if you ask it a question? What does all of this mean? And why do I feel it's made so many of us desensitized and heartless to the point where we'd snap a picture of a celebrity in a coffin for an undisclosed amount of money and post it on the internet just for fame? What is wrong with people and why don't they care anymore?

I guess I'm just old-fashioned because I want that old school, Brown Sugar, "you're the perfect verse over a tight beat" kinda love. I don't feel like it exists anymore except in the movies. There is an overabundance of love movies now because we all crave that closeness, that togetherness that we've lost in all the static. I've seen this more in dating those that are younger than me. My argument of not sitting in the same room for 6 hours on opposite sides on the computer or phone after we haven't seen or barely had contact with each other all day is lost in a bunch of "I just want to relax" hymns. How in the fuck can you relax if your eyes are glued to your phone clicking on eight different social networking sites and the tv is going with some mindless reality show on? We are overstimulated to the point that human interaction no longer stimulates us the way it used to -- for some, I think it bores them. So then your relationship becomes background noise to all the excitement that the pretend people online bring to the glazed eyes of the person you thought you loved.

Now I'm sure this happens to people who date older people as well because for so many the only way to get exposure, be seen and have a "voice" (if you will) is by parading yourself around online for the world to see just how awesome you are at all times of the day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You're sick and with a push of a button and the click of a cameraphone flash, the whole world will electronically see your pouting, but poised "sick" face over a bowl of chicken soup and immediately shower you with the attention that your significant other who's at work can't. What they fail to realize is that people who are always available to like every photo, comment on every post & be over the top sycophants lack the ability to perform in "real life." Real life translates to that place where you have to interact face to face, where instead of commenting on chicken soup, you're the person who actually made it for the person posting the picture. Instead of sucking their teeth at the photos of you OUT with the person you are dating, they could be trying to create a life with memories and a relationship of their own -- but they don't. They sit at home and electronically begin to type into the heart of your loved ones when you're not around. Sure we all like to hear that we are great and attractive, but what I ask is "at what cost?" What is really worth it to lie and conceal inappropriate relationships with people who simply seek the same attention you do? Half the time when people leave the one that loved them, for the one that acts like a groupie, they find out very quickly that loyalty died when they crossed that bridge. If he/she is spending hours flirting with you, can you not assume that they are doing the same to 10, 20 maybe 50 other people if this all they do all day long? Most of them don't even have anything to offer your significant other and realistically can't compete, but the lure of "attention" proves to be more enticing than anything that your love, loyalty or stability can offer them.

No relationship is perfect -- and nobody is perfect, but don't we all deserve a chance at happiness, free from the stain of infidelity, mistrust and the need to always be some place where you think the grass is greener? I don't want to look over my shoulder to see where my Love is. I want my Love walking beside me as we look forward, together.

.beautifully flawed.

broken, chipped, dipped and lyrically sipped
your soul was like one fine line after another
placed before my eyes, hungry for meaning, purpose
depth

i walked in thinking i was going right,
when everything was really just left

stepped
into your heart gently
walking on the eggshells of your broken hope
tiptoeing past the remnants of your bitter past
i fell in love there

and i've loved you ever since

This heart...

This heart is inexplicably devoid of the saturation of human lust, trust
If loins, not love, could penetrate my chambers instead of gut wrenching romance
This dance between lovers limbs, whims, brights and dims, could lead me through the dark
And find the way back to me again
Save face from the hurt and pain again
Damn this tangled mess of emotional threads, hanging overhead, like a beaten cloud ready to bend
Bend, pour and flood even more
The sweet turns sour and you can't remember that good feeling before
Chance turns to fate and repeat offenders continue to commit crimes, spit lines, and nestle in the confines
Of your wilting soul, heart decayed, rotting, stinking for the world to see displayed
The end was the beginning if the first time is already the last
And if you want to know the truth of the matter, there's no one left to ask

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