Untitled

Stuck at the corner of “I’ll change” and “I didn’t mean to hurt you”

I’m running late for the best thing that ever happened to me

Getting over you

Another detour 

It’s as if I’m meant to be reminded 

That you’re not interested in loving me
Even though my heart is set on being the best part of you
I’ve crashed head first into denial

And the “I love you’s” sound brand new

Counting Sheep

Breathing in rhythms of pain and loss,
Love lays over me like a tattered sheet on a brisk night
Everything exposed to the elements of harsh reality; you're never coming back
Legs tangle, arms fold & unfold
Eyelids flutter endlessly in an attempt to will the darkness to bring comfort
To bring some sort of solace to the groove where
My heart used to be
Sunken memories between sheets and pillows smell of yesterday's passion
I'm
Caught in sensory overload and standing on the edge of madness
I'm
Awake
Troubled by the empty thud banging against my ribs and drumming as if some ancient ritual of self infliction
Would bring you, my lover, back into my arms
Back into those cool summer nights, a mess of brown skin, arms that found their way in slumber
Around waists and traced designs on hips and curves that became a roadmap of love within each journey
Lips that warmed, slightly opened and the sound of air escaping between them reminds love that the distance is merely inches from your grasp
And eyes opened to stare, fingers ran blindly, yet so aware over those lips
And remember the first time they met,
The first time that something greater than sleep with the ability to render bliss
Became a way of life
I'm
Lost again in yesterday's want, mixed with the desire to learn you again, ceiling twisting and cracking as pieces fall onto my face
I've never been good at counting sheep

.Click.

Fake friends, fake lives, fake pictures, fake eyes. A generation of photoshopped, cut & pasted lies.

Would they know a laugh if they heard it or does “lol” just suffice?

Real fingers touch skin, lips kiss corners & crevices of bodies that
That keyboards can’t touch, no matter how many strokes
 And with a click you’re forgotten

Love becomes a quote, a phrase, lyrics in angst from misunderstood songs and displaced anger becomes lines of white haste swiftly relocating to nasal cavities, deteriorating from the inside out

Souls inside out

Ripped clean from the hinges of innocence 

Dangling arms and legs, strings that guide and overseeing hands tangled in their provocative ties

There’s no limit even after the edge of the cliff when nothing is beneath their feet but air, because society assures them that to pretend is to care

Fighting for nothing and dying for everything but the will to live, these young soldiers thrown into battle unprepared for the war on their minds as a means to their core

Swept under the rug of misfortune,

Misfits miss this and sequential hits to the possibilities of a socially conscious lift

They’re pinned down by their ears

And dumbed by the slicing of their tongues

Language is the barrier to knowing more


But the men on our currency fold and line pockets that disintegrate the keys to that door

Love's Labryinth

Talking until my lips turn blue
Cold air passing between them
Landing anywhere but near your ears
You don't hear me

It's as if the audio on your heart has turned down the logic in you mind and things are scrambled, jumbled and ready to topple over at a moments notice
You're unstable, like a house built without a foundation
You will never be home.

My thoughts fold like origami and try to make sense of the person before me
Layers of something with an end product of hidden chambers, interlocking bits & pieces
How did we get here? Love's labyrinth

I've lost you and myself in the process
Chasing your insecurities like thieves in the night
Wanting you whole was my only crime
Yet I've been sentenced to life without reciprocity

So my hearts stops banging inside my chest and splits into two,
every memory, moment and passion begins to spill out
And stain the walls of my body
I'm missing again

Party of One

You've thrown yourself a party again,
but the only one that RSVP'd is you

Balloons, streamers, party favors & hats. This time you were going big, you said. Party for one?
One.

The only number you can count to since no one else ever seems to exist.

Love is a one man show for you. You flirt, get your own number & forget to call.
You suck at even picking yourself up & following through on a date.

Those nights tossing in between sheets, welcoming your own demons and fighting angels that sought to heal your soul
Suffering is what you do best

So weeks turn to months, years & you wonder what became of that old love you buried on a cold New England day.

It's sprung forth from soil without water, little to no sunlight & an environment of solitude where barely anything can grow,
& became a blossoming tree, beside another tree
that grew from one of its seeds
you see
love has a way of breaking through the toughest misery

Still having parties with only one in attendance while
love blossoms outside your window
all you can do is stare, alone
& watch it become everything
you will never be

-untitled-

Falling out of love is like hearing drops of your soul hit the corners of a metal tin can, a quick splash here & there,
The echoes of loneliness like a hollow drum, beating a rhythm only tears can hear
The sound of pain, the way it reflects & slides down into every corner, every crevice & dries
It's as if it was never there
But the taste of salt still lies on fingertips,
That captured them from eyes, moist with regret
Love once was held there in stolen moments, nights of passion & kisses that lingered in hidden places
Bruises of love's faults left just beneath the surface
Of a heart that beats no more

.change.

You've counted me out,
counted me in,
pennied, nickeled & dimed me
I'm the only change you'll never spend
Smooth rounded corners of my existence hitting the fabric in your pockets
I'm forgotten & just cents
even if when we are alone you put me in your palm and it makes sense
I'm metal & you're flesh
I withstand extreme heat or cold without shelter & survive with little to nothing, but I'm strong
You are easily cut, bruised and scarred without repair...remnants of your history blemish the very hands you hold me in.
Let me go, let me know
The way it feels to be more than
an afterthought when the kinds that folds in artificial bliss
is a distant memory
& you realize you still have change
Left waiting but you'd rather stay the same
Being broke indefinitely

.expectations.

expectations
the root of all disappointments
and i've pulled you from the ground,
your leaves and stem
earthy and full of promise
the actual fruit of my labors
shriveled and sunken in
the palms of my calloused hands
betraying their age with lines of despair
the struggle
between love, life and
the belief in truth
when the sky is made of angry clouds
thunder like praise
and eyes are like mirrors so that all you see
is yourself
when you're being lied to
so you believe
in your truth
while chameleons color their hearts
with your strength
hide their weakness between shades of gray
it's raining again

.abbreviate.

i've learned to abbreviate
the way my heart feels each time you cut a piece off
and put it in your pocket, for safe keeping you say
but i never see it again
and the hole left bleeds until it dries
forms a scar
and then you return
for another peace of me
f.o. (fuck off)

untitled

remember the days before lost lovers words were left hanging
like ashes on the end of a burning cigarette
between lips
expectant of what tomorrow would bring
we’ve traced these lines time and time again
yet the picture remains the same sketch of misery
so we dance
bodies disjointed and fragmented between torso and head
we’ve come undone

.thoughts.

You make me feel attractive from the outside-in again. It's been so long since I've felt appreciated or desired. It's like I've been wasting away, my roots planted firmly in love but no water to nourish the part of me that grows above ground. Then came you...

[untitled]

Save me as
I'm falling, faster and further from
a place I thought I'd never be
in a dream from which I seem to never wake
my mind wraps itself around your thoughts
as if sealing your wounds with me could heal

I'm pushing my way into your soul,
with every glance
every word formed between my lips
every word waiting on on the edge of my tongue
I'm but a breath waiting to be exhaled
the release, a reprieve from the silent cries
that are mourned when the sun dips into the horizon
and night drapes like a cloak over your heart

Caught in a moment between yesterday
today and tomorrow
I'm hanging by strings that I never saw
attached to my limbs
jerky movements & stiff obscurity
holding you, holding me
we're being held together by something
more powerful than each other

I'm pulling you inside of me
verbs, adjectives, and nouns
beautiful being
I've claimed you as my person, place or thing
I'm missing
I'm missing
you're moving faster than I can conjugate
I'm learning a language
I know I'll never speak

But silence is mine
as are you wthin the confines
of these letters
these words
this passion
and I've fallen
there is nothing to it
I lay cracked at your feet, in pieces
in peace says
shattered bliss

[untitled]

Constant vowels, consonants & hard syllables
I'm lost in maze of verbs, adjectives & nouns that tell me everything and nothing at the same time
I'm hearing another language for the first time
And its as if the sounds were made for my ears, the passion meant for my heart
But my tongue still trying to catch up and keep on track
With the conjugation of these letters that form that words that have become pieces of my life
I'm destined to touch each sound with the taste of desire, echoing as if each time it would be more faint
So I'm cut & pasted with ink papered stories of yesterday, today appearing like symbols in Arabic on a yellowing pad of paper
& the stench of empty promises glaze over eyes
That remember how to see what ears failed to hear the first time around
Pure bullshit.

- untitled -

Words caught between the world outside and the world on the other side of doors that slam and tongues that still mentioning her love
It's validation desecrated by verses on stale pages to a pink deity whose reincarnation gave hate its most triumphant force - the human race
Race to the finish line and if no one is
there with her, she's made it
Made it so that no one could be close behind, too close to find all
The shattered mirrors because the sight of who she's become was never who she was
It's as if she lives two lives, two lies, too much about herself lost in the emptiness behind those two eyes
And her soul slips away from her body into the night like a silent thief
It wasn't hers to barter and keep
So smiles and empty words about the boyfriend she'll never have with the white picket fence, mother shes crying out to you between verse and nights of tear stained pillows
Asking you to hold her again like that day when you gave birth to your biggest accomplishment turned disappointment because the love your seed feels for another is from a garden where you feel nothing could possibly grow
No one could possibly know the shame and confusion she feels chasing your dreams even though she's never closed her eyes and seen anything but darkness trying to conjure up images of the lies that split her tongue into two like a serpent
Words replaced by a hiss, imbalanced duality caused this, slithering and writhing beneath the layers of hardened regret and yesterday's kiss
A lover left standing wondering who is this
But the question hangs in the air thick like smoke choked from the lungs of one who has never mastered the art of pretending

.the age of disrespect.

I try and try to wrap my head around the reasons people seek attention outside of their "seemingly" perfect relationships. What is accomplished by flirting and getting your head/ego blown up by someone other than the person you are dating? What is the point of hiding friendships that you know aren't just "friendships" from your significant other because you just have to have those conflict causing individuals in your phone, on your facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram. What's really interesting is why so many people who are out to ruin your relationship have that much access to you at all -- even more curious is why you continue to entertain them after you've been warned.

Most of us who get cheated on (physically and/or emotionally) are usually the ones who'd give our fuckin left lung for the person we are dating, yet it's never reciprocated. Sure, we get pacified with "we're just friends" and "he/she doesn't like me" yet no matter where you turn those barnacle people are still clinging to the rungs of your relation-ship that is slowly sinking into the murky waters of distrust.

Perhaps if they hadn't already been caught in numerous lies in regards to these people, the trust would be there. Just break up. That's what everyone says, but when you try to break it off, no one ever wants to let you leave. After you've invested so much and have done nothing to deserve the wandering eye, you almost want a refund. Like can I get back some sort of emotional reparations for the time, energy and tears I've spent during these years with you? So lemme get this straight, I'm supposed to trust (after trust has been broken multiple times over a few years), pretend your interactions with these people you've crossed lines with in the past are just "friendly" and not wonder who you're texting, tweeting, tumblr'ing with at all hours of the night and just be cool with it all?

Is it the age of disrespect? Literally and chronologically. It's funny, when I was growing up no one sat on the internet day in and day out. In fact you didn't use the internet to date, meet people or cheat. People interacted face to face. One on one. Flesh to flesh. This younger generation is moving at a pace their little brains cannot even comprehend. The drugs, sex, music and inability to communicate without symbols or using ridiculous acronyms is a clear indicator that we've long gone past the time where connecting with each other actually meant something. Socially awkward in person, yet online they create personas, photoshop each and every part of their body until it becomes a collage of what they think is everyone's favorite "eye candy"...no identity and no hope. No originality, no loyalty and no clue what it means to have genuine friendships or relationships. 16 and pregnant. He loves me. Then he loves me not and leaves and now these kids are babies raising babies. I can't help but think so many different facets of society brought things to this point.

As a person who grew up when kids used to still play outside and didn't sit in front of a television all day, it's hard to navigate the friendship as well as the dating scene. People are very different now. Two people can be friends or even in a relationship sitting in the same room, but you'd never know because both are face deep in their new "i do everything but fuck you" phones and other devices. Why read a book when you have another device for that? Why even talk to anyone because more than likely every expensive piece of technology you own will talk back to you if you ask it a question? What does all of this mean? And why do I feel it's made so many of us desensitized and heartless to the point where we'd snap a picture of a celebrity in a coffin for an undisclosed amount of money and post it on the internet just for fame? What is wrong with people and why don't they care anymore?

I guess I'm just old-fashioned because I want that old school, Brown Sugar, "you're the perfect verse over a tight beat" kinda love. I don't feel like it exists anymore except in the movies. There is an overabundance of love movies now because we all crave that closeness, that togetherness that we've lost in all the static. I've seen this more in dating those that are younger than me. My argument of not sitting in the same room for 6 hours on opposite sides on the computer or phone after we haven't seen or barely had contact with each other all day is lost in a bunch of "I just want to relax" hymns. How in the fuck can you relax if your eyes are glued to your phone clicking on eight different social networking sites and the tv is going with some mindless reality show on? We are overstimulated to the point that human interaction no longer stimulates us the way it used to -- for some, I think it bores them. So then your relationship becomes background noise to all the excitement that the pretend people online bring to the glazed eyes of the person you thought you loved.

Now I'm sure this happens to people who date older people as well because for so many the only way to get exposure, be seen and have a "voice" (if you will) is by parading yourself around online for the world to see just how awesome you are at all times of the day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You're sick and with a push of a button and the click of a cameraphone flash, the whole world will electronically see your pouting, but poised "sick" face over a bowl of chicken soup and immediately shower you with the attention that your significant other who's at work can't. What they fail to realize is that people who are always available to like every photo, comment on every post & be over the top sycophants lack the ability to perform in "real life." Real life translates to that place where you have to interact face to face, where instead of commenting on chicken soup, you're the person who actually made it for the person posting the picture. Instead of sucking their teeth at the photos of you OUT with the person you are dating, they could be trying to create a life with memories and a relationship of their own -- but they don't. They sit at home and electronically begin to type into the heart of your loved ones when you're not around. Sure we all like to hear that we are great and attractive, but what I ask is "at what cost?" What is really worth it to lie and conceal inappropriate relationships with people who simply seek the same attention you do? Half the time when people leave the one that loved them, for the one that acts like a groupie, they find out very quickly that loyalty died when they crossed that bridge. If he/she is spending hours flirting with you, can you not assume that they are doing the same to 10, 20 maybe 50 other people if this all they do all day long? Most of them don't even have anything to offer your significant other and realistically can't compete, but the lure of "attention" proves to be more enticing than anything that your love, loyalty or stability can offer them.

No relationship is perfect -- and nobody is perfect, but don't we all deserve a chance at happiness, free from the stain of infidelity, mistrust and the need to always be some place where you think the grass is greener? I don't want to look over my shoulder to see where my Love is. I want my Love walking beside me as we look forward, together.

Blue.bleeds.red

Caught between a fistful of dollars & a dream,
a scream
I'm laced in obscurity, my potential transparent against
the pale reform of democracy

They say “Just let it be” but it's hard to let go
when letting go means, giving up my identity

Strapped with an armor of adversity's finest steel
Letters that become words that attack & verbally annihilate
dumb it down: fatality; kill
I'm too dark to shoot back ignorance
I'm too defined to let it break my will

Caution isn't thrown to the wind, it blows there
when your skin feels the landing of its touch
its never enough
even when you feel as if your soul is
sandpaper rough
they want more

Brown bleeds blue like pink bleeds too
and tears that fall scar wounds that don't heal
fresh, raw and constantly entered by the eyes
by the tongues
of said chosen ones
violating my person, my being, feeling dirty
as if a part of them
will now remain a part of me
some way, some how
I've got to get clean
Those racists left their filth on me.

Underwater

Grateful, ungrateful... words that circle my spirit like vultures of life. I never learned to balance love with my own hopes, dreams or desires....mainly because I've always been attached to people (friends&lovers) who I thought needed me more. Turns out the majority of them have everything but were lazy and basically holding me under water so they didn't drown.

For my birthday in 2011, I've been looking at solo cruises and trips. I think I just need to get away by myself, for myself, for awhile. This past year has really brought me full circle. I deserve more than I get from everyone in my life. It's that simple. I tend to feel like a waitress taking the orders of those I care about, as well as paying for the meal..no tip, no gratitude; just expectancy. I've pulled away and fought to gain peace of mind.

Love used to be so important to me, more important than the air you and I breathe, but I never realized I was choking...never saw my face turning purple and distorted before my eyes. I look in the mirror and love is not there. It's been boarded up and replaced by reason, logic and determination.

I keep wondering if I'm meant to balance the two, let them live harmoniously side by side, or if one will just never mix with the other...drops of water sliding down an oily mixture.

With this year coming to a close, I have to stay resolute in my journey for better things, better situations and the big move that I've always longed for...time to find a place that I can call home.

Time for a lot more me and a lot less of everyone else. This time I'd like to stay afloat.

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Night

Night falls I,
Trace tomorrow over today's hopes,.dreams and failures
Creating a quilt of memories sewn together
As I lay they cover me with a warmth that crowds my soul
A sadness that seaps like ink through paper into my skin
I'm branded again

I'm no longer the me I used to be

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