.street lights.

You’re so used to finger smudges
and the stench of yesterday’s regret lingering on your skin

That you chase away the possibility of anything that resembles happiness

You blow smoke clouds of mistrust through nostrils that inhale despair

And your heel buries the butt of your misfortune deep into the ground 

Even as hands cling to the collar of your shirt and lips press into your neck

You won’t succumb to the passion within

As another door closes you look longingly waiting for the old familiar sound of defeat

As it echoes in your ears

Then you lay, street lights illuminating your heart as each minute it goes further into the night

It’s better this way you tell yourself

But the only one convinced is you

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It's like a flashing red neon sign the minute I think we're pushing up earth with new roots
I see the same weeds attacking everything we've built
Choking the life out of destiny
And drying up my garden of tears
You're but a cruel joke continuously played on my open heart
And I can't help but laugh
At my stupidity
I wait for you to become the love you promised you would be
But you sink and never rise to the occasion
You're nothing but a pipe dream buried deep within the darkness of my soul

Party of One

You've thrown yourself a party again,
but the only one that RSVP'd is you

Balloons, streamers, party favors & hats. This time you were going big, you said. Party for one?
One.

The only number you can count to since no one else ever seems to exist.

Love is a one man show for you. You flirt, get your own number & forget to call.
You suck at even picking yourself up & following through on a date.

Those nights tossing in between sheets, welcoming your own demons and fighting angels that sought to heal your soul
Suffering is what you do best

So weeks turn to months, years & you wonder what became of that old love you buried on a cold New England day.

It's sprung forth from soil without water, little to no sunlight & an environment of solitude where barely anything can grow,
& became a blossoming tree, beside another tree
that grew from one of its seeds
you see
love has a way of breaking through the toughest misery

Still having parties with only one in attendance while
love blossoms outside your window
all you can do is stare, alone
& watch it become everything
you will never be

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Falling out of love is like hearing drops of your soul hit the corners of a metal tin can, a quick splash here & there,
The echoes of loneliness like a hollow drum, beating a rhythm only tears can hear
The sound of pain, the way it reflects & slides down into every corner, every crevice & dries
It's as if it was never there
But the taste of salt still lies on fingertips,
That captured them from eyes, moist with regret
Love once was held there in stolen moments, nights of passion & kisses that lingered in hidden places
Bruises of love's faults left just beneath the surface
Of a heart that beats no more

.change.

You've counted me out,
counted me in,
pennied, nickeled & dimed me
I'm the only change you'll never spend
Smooth rounded corners of my existence hitting the fabric in your pockets
I'm forgotten & just cents
even if when we are alone you put me in your palm and it makes sense
I'm metal & you're flesh
I withstand extreme heat or cold without shelter & survive with little to nothing, but I'm strong
You are easily cut, bruised and scarred without repair...remnants of your history blemish the very hands you hold me in.
Let me go, let me know
The way it feels to be more than
an afterthought when the kinds that folds in artificial bliss
is a distant memory
& you realize you still have change
Left waiting but you'd rather stay the same
Being broke indefinitely

This heart...

This heart is inexplicably devoid of the saturation of human lust, trust
If loins, not love, could penetrate my chambers instead of gut wrenching romance
This dance between lovers limbs, whims, brights and dims, could lead me through the dark
And find the way back to me again
Save face from the hurt and pain again
Damn this tangled mess of emotional threads, hanging overhead, like a beaten cloud ready to bend
Bend, pour and flood even more
The sweet turns sour and you can't remember that good feeling before
Chance turns to fate and repeat offenders continue to commit crimes, spit lines, and nestle in the confines
Of your wilting soul, heart decayed, rotting, stinking for the world to see displayed
The end was the beginning if the first time is already the last
And if you want to know the truth of the matter, there's no one left to ask

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I'm awake

I'm awake with the morning sun, the birds and the sky
But inside I sleep in the restlessness of my troubled soul
The earth pulled beneath my feet, my cries a soft moan amidst voices in the crowd
I'm here but I don't really exist anymore
My heart beats but doesn't keep me alive
The thunder of my feelings roars and breaks through the morning blue
Rain falls gently then faster upon my face
This is the storm I've been waiting to create
Others scramble for cover but I stand still, soaked in my own reproach
Silenced by my own tongue, my own emotions, my own doing
I'm unraveling thread by thread
I'm falling away from me

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You make me...

You make me wish I could turn back the hands of time.
Leave you before you never were mine,
Reflect ahead instead of wasting time, realize the debt in emotional lies.
You make me want to grab my heart so it won't beat, blacken my lungs so I can't breathe, release your grip so I can be free.
You make me want to turn night into day, turn blue into grey, wish tomorrow was today, throw my feelings away.
You make me not want to be me.

I hate this.

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