.change.

You've counted me out,
counted me in,
pennied, nickeled & dimed me
I'm the only change you'll never spend
Smooth rounded corners of my existence hitting the fabric in your pockets
I'm forgotten & just cents
even if when we are alone you put me in your palm and it makes sense
I'm metal & you're flesh
I withstand extreme heat or cold without shelter & survive with little to nothing, but I'm strong
You are easily cut, bruised and scarred without repair...remnants of your history blemish the very hands you hold me in.
Let me go, let me know
The way it feels to be more than
an afterthought when the kinds that folds in artificial bliss
is a distant memory
& you realize you still have change
Left waiting but you'd rather stay the same
Being broke indefinitely

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Broken steps, cracked by the pressure of dreams deferred
Tangled mess of red, white & blue
hung like a noose around the
necks of brown-skinned girls and boys
Brown will eventually turn blue, cold
& potential wasted will
cross the lips and hushed tongues
in the shadows where poverty’s bounced checks are written by the hour
on depleted funds in accounts with names unrecognizable, skin color undeniable
We were never meant to thrive
Institutional oppression, big words that carry the fate of the world on a silver platter, high in the clouds out of justice’s reach
because the notion of justice has been color tweaked
So the world within our minds & hearts becomes a battle zone fraught with fear and protective intentions,
distractions from accomplishments with survival as the means to an end
but it never ends
And faces begin to look real familiar behind glass walls, bars, at desks & on paperwork done with
ink of lost souls, each page more saturated than the next with
societal lies & hatred
We wrote the books on lives unlived with the pain of our silent scars
etched in backs, arms & legs
tortured for centuries by colorless beings who can’t see through our skin to reach our worth

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Words caught between the world outside and the world on the other side of doors that slam and tongues that still mentioning her love
It's validation desecrated by verses on stale pages to a pink deity whose reincarnation gave hate its most triumphant force - the human race
Race to the finish line and if no one is
there with her, she's made it
Made it so that no one could be close behind, too close to find all
The shattered mirrors because the sight of who she's become was never who she was
It's as if she lives two lives, two lies, too much about herself lost in the emptiness behind those two eyes
And her soul slips away from her body into the night like a silent thief
It wasn't hers to barter and keep
So smiles and empty words about the boyfriend she'll never have with the white picket fence, mother shes crying out to you between verse and nights of tear stained pillows
Asking you to hold her again like that day when you gave birth to your biggest accomplishment turned disappointment because the love your seed feels for another is from a garden where you feel nothing could possibly grow
No one could possibly know the shame and confusion she feels chasing your dreams even though she's never closed her eyes and seen anything but darkness trying to conjure up images of the lies that split her tongue into two like a serpent
Words replaced by a hiss, imbalanced duality caused this, slithering and writhing beneath the layers of hardened regret and yesterday's kiss
A lover left standing wondering who is this
But the question hangs in the air thick like smoke choked from the lungs of one who has never mastered the art of pretending

I'm awake

I'm awake with the morning sun, the birds and the sky
But inside I sleep in the restlessness of my troubled soul
The earth pulled beneath my feet, my cries a soft moan amidst voices in the crowd
I'm here but I don't really exist anymore
My heart beats but doesn't keep me alive
The thunder of my feelings roars and breaks through the morning blue
Rain falls gently then faster upon my face
This is the storm I've been waiting to create
Others scramble for cover but I stand still, soaked in my own reproach
Silenced by my own tongue, my own emotions, my own doing
I'm unraveling thread by thread
I'm falling away from me

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She doesn't

She doesn't feel my love anymore, doesn't carry it on her back like the wings that used to pull her across the sky and into my arms, away from anyone and anything that hurt her.

She doesn't feel my love anymore, doesn't miss the pressing of our lips, wanting, wet and hungry with the desire of new lovers intimacy. They crumble, dry to a finger's touch...nothing is more than enough.

She doesn't feel my love anymore, doesn't look into my eyes or let me see through hers, into her soul anymore. The light is gone, left with a small pile of dying embers trying to remember how their flames once could burn love into the coldest heart.

It's dark here now...

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holidays

I stomp out flames roasting chestnuts over a once open fire,

Hang wreaths of the present over mantels of the past,

Then decide bare is a better reminder

Restless dreams of familial warmth frozen in the cold night air, faces rigid and cracked from laughter of holidays past,

Memories that couldn't last

Cider clings to a mug of hope slowly evaporating into the air

There's no one there, the room is empty

Windows slick with winters chill, another season of broken promises is here

The holidays remain a friend I'd like to forget, a lovers kiss my lips can't help but miss

Sometimes, most times I'd rather not celebrate

The breaking of my spirit

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