Love Letters

You used to write me love letters,
tuck them in places you knew I’d find
if I saw the edge peeking out at a particular time.
Each line carefully composed and exact,
reminders of how deep passion had grown, since the first day our eyes met, standing there
speechless. 
Because words failed what hearts knew to already be truth,
even if it felt like an eternity, to finally get me to you.
You used to write me love letters, for no reason other than to tell me you had been thinking of me, my smile
and remembering every thing I did to drive you wild 
when our lips met in the dark, 
my hands finding yours, my body keeping yours warm, 
holding you so close, as if I was afraid that someone might pluck you from my soul, if you didn’t feel my arms around you. 
You used to write me love letters, 
when the night before we shared heated words in moments of anger and went to bed in opposite rooms,
but sleep left us no choice except to remember why love brought us together,
and that this too would pass.
How I long for those days when you couldn’t live without my touch, my arms, my kiss…
The days before love letters became notes and frustrations took hold of explanations,
and excuses became the norm, reasoning away every layer of what I thought we had built.
You used to write me love letters, your words tucked in the corners of my heart where I swore I could never lose them,
or us
or you. 
But now you’re gone,
and I can’t seem to find a single crumpled paper to tell me why.

.the pause.

The pause

In between each heartbeat

Is where she resides

Loving, passionate being

Within the life force

Of my physical being

Feeding the hunger of my

Malnourished essence

When I take each breath

She moves in me

She moves me

She moves

And I stand

Still

In awe of her

Grace

carve

carving each breathe/ from one word/ to the next/ wondering if survival ends/ when the last letter/ of the last word/ sits still in its groove/ as shavings of memories/ lay strewn

- untitled -

I suppose I could spread letters like puzzle pieces and put them together
Hoping you would see the big picture rather than dissecting each word in each line as if they were personal attacks against your fragile psyche
You see it’s just the reality of the matter
These words are cut from the very corners of my lips, placed before you as a truth you’d prefer was a lie
We’re no good for one another

[lines]

I get tired of repeating the same lines

Same lies, like the ones you told me

To make me think this could be something

I refuse to accept that the words  

Bent and laid gently on my heart, are nothing more

Than acid, eating away at the lining of my soul

You move, like a tempestuous wind

I scatter like leaves, trying to pull myself together

I’m neither living nor have I ever been alive

I get tired of repeating the same lines

Same lies, like the ones you fed me

I’m starving

red.white.blue

today I

 rubbed my skin,

rubbed it almost purple and blue

but the stain of centuries abuse

hung around my neck like a knotted noose

this land was not made for you and me

stolen, bartered and reconstructed to deface

peoples, cultures and all that is divine and pure

this

this land was soiled with more than dark earth,

brown bodies and spilled worth

this land was rebirthed with a death

that continues to die

and reap the decay of moral culpability

for lives lost and change that dangles

precariously close to the edge of despair

"untitled"

these are the saddest words you’ll never hear me say
perhaps you’ll walk into a bookstore one day
hand in hand
with the next love of your life
and she’ll be holding her stomach, with her other hand, her unborn addition to your infinite happiness waiting to arrive
and she will smile at you as you turn over a book,
a book you can’t explain why you’re drawn to, but it’s a book of poems
and you flip to a page
and these words spill from the edges of it
like my tears falling as I write
and you remember without hesitation that
you were once mine
and I was once yours
and these words
and this space
between us
are merely that of circumstance
and you'll pause
she’ll watch you and grab your arm while asking
if you’re “okay”, concern lining the creases
in her unknowing face
and you'll say
“I’m fine, just fine” then you'll put my heart
back on the shelf
and walk away
again

.nausea.

i push the feeling down
as a wave of nausea and expectation rise
at the base of my throat
i’m ill over the idea of you

lost in my thoughts because my lips
refuse to part
i don’t want a single sound to escape
or you’ll know
and my eyes wander in the distance
over your head, anywhere but into the gaze of your eyes
no point in you seeing the way I feel
if my words will never catch up

you captivate me and even as these letters
become another word in reference to you
i still can’t speak
my tongue longs for the day when
it can whisper my passions
into your ear

w_rds

words don't have an impact until we give them power
we assign words and attach them to people, places and things like a stain
and wait for the world to react, emotions brimming over the sides to decide
what’s inside
but there’s emptiness
words have holes
and we’ve fallen through them

.crush.

If I told you that I wanted you that I wake up and the first thought is what your lips would taste like at that very moment, would you take me seriously, could you?

 If I’m bold enough to prove to you that these words have action & emotion behind them, then would you lend me the care of your heart? 

I’ve drawn circles and squares setting us between them and created the shape of love 

I’m waiting and wondering what your passions sound like breathed into my ear before you climax within the wetness engulfing my fingers 

I want you …more than is imaginable 

So much to the point that I breathe in your voice and forget the sound of mine 

You are beauty In every sense of the noun I’m at a loss for verbs, adjectives and conjunctions to clutter up the space between my tongue & your skin 

The most desirable sin, 

you’ve become a need I’ll chase into the early hours of the morning 

I’d stay awake forever just to watch you open your eyes, look at me and say “you are my love.” 

Patiently, earnestly and with nothing but sincere devotion to your soul, I pledge my affection & whisper words of your praise into the night sky I’ve fallen and there’s no place I would rather be then here.

.scattered.

catching laughter between palms that cover mouths, fingers that hold space time and mine

 I’ve walked the length of your mind and I still won’t tire as I wait for you to be mine 

I’m but a lover in love with the love of my life and the infinite possibilities that lay before me, woven like a web of delicious deceit spun with fibers that hold together even the weakest, then dine on their convenience 

you’re a victimless crime and ill punish myself for you 

I would lay down bricks to create a path for you to walk in between the chaos of our minds 

I don’t mind; you’re worth this time 

let me have you

.drowning.

rain pounds against the windows of my heart and floods the corners with puddles of emotional concern …you’re leaving drops of you everywhere

and soon ill forget what a day of sunshine stood for against the torrential floods of your misguided intent
I’m but a storm away from ruin, yet relentlessly you pursue the core of me, determined to crack my resolve and create small damp pools of triumph where warm refuge once had a home…
a house is not a home without love they say, but love can drown even the best swimmer
and my head, tilted up, chin fighting to keep air into these lungs, grows weary quickly
I’m dying for the very love I had hoped would keep me afloat

.she writes.

she writes poems for me
because the words can never seem to fall from her lips
yet the ink that stains her paper holds more weight,
more truth,
than I’ve ever heard her mutter out loud
my intense desire to hear those words, rather than run my fingers over flat black marks piques her interest
for she’s incapable of living and loving out loud
all her feelings are trapped between two surfaces
while she’s a prisoner in her thoughts
and I often wonder how we would be, together, if she was free

.desire.

close your eyes so I can feel your soul from the inside out
see me without looking at me
touch me without your skin against mine
I’m lost in the sound of your voice
and when I’m not near, I imagine your lips parting so that
my fingertips graze the softest parts moments before I kiss them
I crave each second, each minute, to watch the want in your body unravel
threads of your heart, pulled back together when we merge
so beautiful you are, that this ache is like a wretched thorn in my heart
but I’ll bleed it dry just to spend one more moment in your presence
passion breaks the silence between our paused speech and builds a bridge
where we meet again for the first time
I want your forever
because you are mine

.love's slave.

Syllables and sounds of regret dance
Like flames on hot coals
Tongues disfigured in an ambiguous distortion of the truth
Your truth
But I know better
These sounds form words and lay upon my shoulder
Tips, kissed and brushed away with passion’s empty promises
I’ll never be the only one
Your only
But for now you’re here with me

So I imagine a time and place where
Rushed want is from desire rather than
A conflict of time with her
Despite the way your hand moves across my face
And tells me this is just what it is
The truth hides behind your eyes
Which unlike your mouth are unable to form such deceptive lies
I smile back in knowing that
The taste of me lingers on you When she pulls you close at night
I stroke your hair and feel the ease
In your body from my touch
And know that my goodbye will be
The very impact of love in all its complexities
So no note, no words this time
Just silence
For words become love’s slave
And this prisoner is ready to break free

.morning.

Yawns surface & light pours into my windows
Morning has found me again casting shadows on
Eyes that never closed and on arms that clutch pillows
Where you used to lay
How can the day be so beautiful when everything inside of me feels so ugly?
I turn to face the wall, yet the sun, relentless in its pursuit of happiness drenches me in the warmth of nature's peaceful advice
To "just be"
Even though my spirit is broken and my tongue is stilled by words exchanged in anger
I feel the energy of healing spread across my fingertips loosening the grip on sheets I'd held in defiance
Birds chirp melodies only they know the words to and the day begins anew
All that's missing is you

.street lights.

You’re so used to finger smudges
and the stench of yesterday’s regret lingering on your skin

That you chase away the possibility of anything that resembles happiness

You blow smoke clouds of mistrust through nostrils that inhale despair

And your heel buries the butt of your misfortune deep into the ground 

Even as hands cling to the collar of your shirt and lips press into your neck

You won’t succumb to the passion within

As another door closes you look longingly waiting for the old familiar sound of defeat

As it echoes in your ears

Then you lay, street lights illuminating your heart as each minute it goes further into the night

It’s better this way you tell yourself

But the only one convinced is you

Unavailable

Unavailable
It's like a flashing red neon sign the minute I think we're pushing up earth with new roots
I see the same weeds attacking everything we've built
Choking the life out of destiny
And drying up my garden of tears
You're but a cruel joke continuously played on my open heart
And I can't help but laugh
At my stupidity
I wait for you to become the love you promised you would be
But you sink and never rise to the occasion
You're nothing but a pipe dream buried deep within the darkness of my soul

Untitled

Sitting here unclothed but covered in thoughts of you
Skin warm to the touch
Defiant acceptance of this craving manifested in the physical reaction my body has
Every time your name is whispered between my lips
So I cover them, but you escape
And I'm aware, so aware of this
Yet I sit here naked, exposing myself to you
In hopes that you'll see me, see to the core of this ends to justify a means
You are
the infinite hope in my heart that love is frayed at the seams
Waiting for two souls to pull it back together
Grab the other end

Climax

I want to write 

Not words but sounds and syllables against the nape of your neck

It’s not time to define what this is just yet

I’m scribbling bits of me in random corners of you 

Keep your eyes closed and let me rhythm away your blues

Uncovering the deepest parts of you


I want to write
Won’t you let me find the words between the sweet quivering of your thighs

Clenched fists, sheets tangled in your palms

Letters that become sweet moans of pleasure

I’m ready for you to climax into a poem you can’t forget

After-taste

Another day spent lamenting the loss of love and the birth of loneliness
Sprung up like a weed of interruption amidst the flowers in my beaten soul
Beating but cold
I'm but a fragment of the
Sentence I used to be
Can't find the middle or the end because you
Walked away with the words that made sense
And I'm stuck here in the shadows muttering half eaten memories
And gathering crumbs of a love I used to taste, breathe in and know
Now I'm starving
& refraining from acknowledging the look in your eyes
Every time you said I love you, your most painful lie

"Different: The Dirty Word"

I hate feeling like I have to change who I am to be somebody to the rest of the world.

I love being me. Being quirky, different, passionate & able to do things that most don't think about.

Why is being yourself considered such a bad thing these days? If you're not a clone, you're a random lost face in the crowd.

I write. I'm a writer. The company of others can be a bonus (or nuisance) but isn't really necessary. Peace of mind is all I really desire.

Everything is electronic now: all forms of art. It's hard to be seen, be heard or appreciated when you're competing in a sea filled with constant overstimulation of senses. There's no room for people who are merely interested in simple pleasures like writing a letter, reading poetry from a book or sharing a few laughs face to face.

I was jokingly called "grandma" by someone a month ago because I said owned books and refused to read electronic books. I love the crispness of turning pages, the smell of the ink on the page, the feeling of the binding running against the palm of my hands. That's all the sensory experience I need curled up on my couch.

Perhaps I'm a dreamer because I can't go backwards, but what's in front of me isn't inviting or appealing. I'm starved for genuine human connection, affection and attention. Real life and not the kind in reality shows. I want to live a life of purpose. Is that too much to ask?

Life seems to have lost all meaning of originality and excitement. Everyone has access to everything and everyone all the time. There is no element of surprise. There is nothing to look forward to. It's like a world of living zombies. The damage is far worse than I ever imagined it could be.

I'm alone because I'm different. Different used to be a good thing. Now it's like a dirty word.

Untitled

I want to fall in love in a place where the language rolls off my tongue and hits the ears of a beautiful woman across the cafe smiling as I ask her her name
Where the air smells crisp, clean and the village hustle and bustle consists of vendors with fresh fruit and vegetables grown locally
Tan palms and toothy grins in greeting as I near their stands
I'm looking for an adventure today, the kind that awakens my palate and gives my thirst for life a new passion
I can't imagine a more beautiful way to start my day, sipping tea on the balcony watching the sun rise
The day is affirming it's presence
I want to fall in love in a place full of charm, hidden gems in pockets of streets lined with lush greenery and architectural beauty
I'm discovering myself in each moment that I explore these hills in wonder
Laughter rings through the air
And I feel home, I'm finally home
El amor de mi pais
Libertad

Hero

In despair
each and every time I
silently wish for a hero
but only you appear
(The one who broke my heart)
With glue and promises in tow
But you look so different as a hero
That I forget underneath it all you were first the villain
I forget I wouldn't need to be saved
If I stopped putting myself in harm's way
I forget I wouldn't need your kisses to evaporate the tears you made fall
Your words dance like bubbles, soft penetrable and limited in their ability to do anything but completely disappear
My fingertips still wet and sticky
with the residue of I Love You's
But that's it -- and I can't be too sure if you were ever here
You've left no traces of an attempt to ever stay