evolution of self-love/hate

little brown skinned girls, with skinned knees
and pigtails
skin bleeds
laughter in streets fade into the sound of the wind
and the colors of the day swirl
and night falls

she's alone in her thoughts again
the place where he creeps in
and empty memories
seep in
like spilled juice into a carpet
soaking up until it
stains the wood floor beneath
stains her ability to believe

quiet idolization of a figment
brown like her, with her lips,
maybe her hair
if he saw her in his reflection would he even
stop to care
smoke billows from between lips that curl
and curse
sometimes fake amusement creases
that face
but mostly it's a mask of centuries of self-hate

pigtails become pressed hair
dresses with bows becomes jeans and shirts that cling
behind her eyes is a hardened stare
the kind that years of neglect can bring
he dances like a mirage in the distance
she waves him away waiting for the bus at the bus stop

time to stop dreaming
time to realize
he'll never see the hurt behind her eyes
father
daddy
man
sperm donor
heart breaker
she's empty on one side

flavored.

fingertips that burn with desire, meet skin aching for approval,
to receive their passionate imprint of ecstasy
give it to me

raspberry sherbet and neapolitan colored skies
decorate the window's reflection painting brown skin
moist with lover's condensation
soul to soul
beat to beat
even when there is no pulse
still
breathing for one another

special delivery

the universe gift wrapped you, left you on a doorstep
but it wasn’t mine
the delivery went to the wrong address
so when i opened the door and breathed in the air
where you were supposed to be
i realized it would be quite a while
before you’d get to me

...but i can't

phrases fall from your lips like atomic bombs
dropping into the open terrain of my heart
destroying everything upon impact, splintering the love that would be
bleeding the soul that would need
speaking in despair, searching for feelings and emotions
that no longer are there
you want me to do more than care
but i can’t

carefully dodging your verbal landmines
each step calculated, each sound orchestrated
symphony of methodical verbage paying homage
the strings of holding on sound shrill in the night air
you want me to do more than care
but i can't

quick. pull the pins.
grenades of jealousy fly above my head
i dodge, i move quickly as to not break their fall
you'd rather see me in pieces
if you can't have me at all
one step ahead, i've managed to escape
with minor injuries
a bruised heart is better than a broken spirit
you want me to do more than care
but i can't

love's microfilm.

i cant wait to wake and find yesterday’s a lifetime away
no need to sift through old hurts or
current wounds with scabs that won’t heal
present pleasure is all I’ve decided to feel
sent messages left words, empty poems and half eaten desserts
discarded into memory’s trash
the taste, the pain, the cuts stripped of their senses claim
forgetting to remember that what has been
will never be the same

it’s hard to hear that heartbeat now, so many miles away
so many times this record’s played
i know the words, but it still sounds like blame
in between the music of each refrain

count the times, the cries, the kisses to soothe
safe again from the passion you sought to abuse
dreams fade into the mist and nightmares are your only friend
when you wake up screaming about the inevitable end

caught your fear in the palm of my hand instead of
pulling it into my soul as I’ve always managed to do
separated the poisoning of my loving heart
from the toxin that that is you.

longevity's fail.

reaching inside and around
hiding within the
labyrinth of my soul

i’d say find me here but
you won’t
you can’t
i won’t let you
it’s safer this way
for me

chasing the butterflies of yesterdays hope
as i watch them fly,
watch them fly away
into the sunset
the choice of freedom is a sure bet
captivity holds in it
the possibility of death

fingertips tingle at the brush
of contentment’s breeze
passes by quickly to awaken
my desire to breathe
close my eyes and inhale
the scent of longevity’s fail

foundation.

all of these things bearing down on me,
wearing me down, to the very rim of my core
motion immobilization – been here a time before
solutions melt like sugar splashed by water
disintegrate into matter
that doesn’t matter
i don’t matter

selfish promises that left behind lesions
on my memory
raw open and fresh, not ready to heal
not ready to feel
and most certainly unable to deal

these fragments of life’s glass rocks
stick in my throat and leave open gashes
on my hands as they fight back
against the economy and heartaches attacks
trying to rebuild the foundation,
survived barely
molded and cracked

jumble.

makes me want to scribble notes on my hand
each and every time she looks into my eyes,
i fall
i’ll forget the words i wanted to say
but the slight touch of fate brushed across my face,
will never cease to exist
it stains
she burns both ends of her wicks chasing passions flames late into the night
before the sun rises
and the world has again opened their eyes
but walk blind
walk behind
subtle moments of us in each other pass through the modes of communication
without pretense of their destination
becomes daily fascination
between laughter we share
i taste the many flavors of her earth, her spirit,
without setting foot on her stationary plane
and relish in the sensitive combination of the finest ingredients
makes me greedy hence
the thought of sharing her is unnecessary & unobtainable
the reality of it is she came to me in my dream
so i found her when i decided to wake

infatuation

altercation within the membranes of her infatuation
she lies there awake in the dark, all alone
and spits rhymes like hatred only she'd own
back at society, keep throwing those stones

the object of her stream of consciousness
draped in a cloud of secrecy & alteration
lips that move in rooms that bounce sound like
audible fornication

pregnant and barefoot in the corners of her mind
drunken & high off of infatuation's ability to defy
this is where the beginning of the end lies
ducts dried from years of dirty tears she cries

deep gutters become grooves in the space between
and she stands carrying the weight of just one more
speaking in egyptian hieroglyphics to verbally fuck what you mean
slamming shut any possibility of communication's doors

saturated

arms length away
always quick to escape my grasp
and easily shut down
switched flipped to the other state of mind
leaving the one fraught with emotions behind

index finger lined with layers of words
from touched lips and moments missed
never felt a .... quite like this
erased, displaced, exiled and dismissed

thoughts run the length of the stream
leaking from porous holes within a faulty canoe
pierced by the saturated tension building
between me and undeniably you

sinking slowly into waves that silence the cries
on a dusty shore
i'll be sure to place you where i found you,
weren't you happier there before?

backseat.

i took a backseat to the fear in your heart,
rode quietly and sat still afraid that any move,
any sound, might cause you turn
cause you to tell me to leave
so there i was
caught on a trip to someplace unknown
as my eyes captured each new road, each twist
like a snapshot in my mind, each one without the ability to rewind
and then as the light blue turned to dark skies
clouds found their way and rain began to pour
i wasn't really sure where we were anymore
raindrops fell and stung like acid
burned and ached inside my soul
straight through to the other side
another lied

in the night

in the night, the stars dance across the moon
and land on that distant pillow
where we’d lay
face to face with just one pulse
between the two of us
and words are found but wasted
so silence instead tells the story
in eyes that have hope for tomorrow
but don’t cling so tightly to today
it will just become another memory
anyway
the sky watches as
we make fire dance within four walls
and outside the day begins to rise
the sun, a flame borne of our passions
and of night’s cool demeanor
sets the horizon ablaze
burning all day, long into dusk
when night again will capture
one pulse
one more time

hostage

hold you hostage within my thoughts
tie you to the chair of my emotions
and wrap the silk of my affections
around your mouth
to silence
any worry, any confusion, any doubt

if you let me kidnap your heart
then i can show you what this is all about

bind your hands with the kisses of my love
still your feet with the strings of my laughter
and wet your cheeks
with the tears of my strength
so you know that being your one and only
is all i'm after

soul death

i'm bleeding from my soul
it's the kind of wound you can't see,
the kind someone like you wouldn't know how to heal
first, you'd have sift through the coal buried deep in your chest
and be pumped full of emotion to feel

time stands still around me, no breeze, no leaves moving,
the air just is
and i'm choking on my last breath
the last bet
the last thing you left
the last time i wept
this shit has to stop

fucked over, upside down and sideways
fuckable moreso than lovable
daggers pierce me at all angles
and fornicate with my self respect
self worth
self
becomes nothing
and everything that was
is dark now
the shadows sweep the pain of today
under the carpet of tomorrow
and i don't want to remember
you this way
or me

liberate me

liberate me from this enslaved country inside my mind
the one that keeps me shackled to old ways, old situations, old beliefs
the one that feeds me negativity, split sideways, then ricochets back into
my way of thinking

yes, free me of these burdens and this pain
find a day when the sun won't cease to shine, and the rain is too dry

i'm ready for my slice of the good life's heavenly pie
i heard it tastes good

dope[ness]

i want to
inhale her into my lungs
put her to my lips, feel the sweet taste that lingers
and feel her push her way through my throat
linger in the back
then blow her out
blow her out
and watch her rise
she gets me that high
each pull
each hit from her lyrical THC
so flows the rush of her verbal dopamine
through my body, through her touch
waiting, anticipating the next taste
the next
and the next
and the next
like a fiend
unable to overdose
but willing to try
each time that she enters me and i close my eyes
each time she brings me
a little more high
hold her deep inside until i can't take anymore
til i feel my lungs about to burst
til i feel my body cry from release
release
release
and she's completely inside
each and every part of me
roaming free, roaming me,
owning me
and i breathe

whateva

fuck it
tired of giving so much energy and time
fuck it
underappreciated
values depreciated
soul is emaciated
from all of these people
these things
these scenarios
these broken wings
tryna fly
but can't seem to soar
want to run
but can't seem
to feel anything below my knees
please
redeem me
i'm feeling worthless

"don't tamper with"

stuck in thought, rhythm and rhyme
beating the drums of last night's passion
well into the morning of today
it sounds so much sweeter when the sun gives rise
it sounds so much sweeter this time

remnants of whispers moist upon my lips
before my fingers touch, before my body curls
its way into the words that tell, the words that heal
the words that unspoken
she can already feel
somebody stop me from being too real
too late to replace my
"dont tamper with" seal

she broke it
gently and then stole it
told me to just let it be and she'd hold it
i can't go back
but forward stands still just the same
or it is just moving so swiftly
i'm unable to keep up the pace?
never
i'll finish this race
nothing will stop me
not time not distance not even miles of space
i'm ready

debris

when I need you

you always fall short

fall away

fall back

fall behind

catastrophes follow

close on my heels

like a tornado ripping up everything

anything

What’s left

constantly taking samples

of my sanity

compassionate

and guided direction

cause you can’t afford

more than a trial size

you can’t afford to live the life

you lied

fear glazes your eyes

in the heat of a hateful rant

standing strong

and impenetrable

you cant

seem to get

a reaction

out

of

me

i chip the layers

of stress, anger, and settled love

watch them flake,

break into bits of debris

falling into a sort of broken halo

all around me

divine intervention

they always say

divine

this

the sound.

i can sit in silence
and listen to the sound it makes
feel the passion it creates
command the stir of emotion
and intensity
it breaks

me down

stolen; life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness

*she walks out of her office only to return minutes later. it's gone*
[the woman on the floor below me had her purse stolen a few hours ago]

..the notion of theft, thievery, stealing is that something is taken from someone else. something that doesn't belong the the thief. something that may hold more than monetary value to the owner.

in my mind the thought of "things" and acquiring them is far from what's really important. newer. nicer. better. faster. spark-lier. just things. they can all be replaced. and often times the newer they are, the more likely they are to fall apart. like people. places. vehicles. clothes. relationships. even food.

where did the times go where people worked hard for what they had? cherished every dime they clutched between their palms in the great depression? respected thy fellow man. no not now, not in the recession of this decade. slow decline in faith, in life, in the pursuit of happiness. not just a movie or on the declaration of independence: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. what is happiness? why are we pursuing it? it is something tangible? something we can eat or smell? taste or hold? something we can find at the bottom of a purse that doesn't belong to us that will make our world a better place? give us hope for a better day? when did becoming happy mean that we had to intentionally inflict pain on others?

some could argue, she should have locked her door, she should have done this, she should have done that. all true points perhaps, but it doesn't absolve the thief of the crime he committed. doesn't ease the mind of an elderly women whose personal belongings have been ravaged by a complete stranger, who will have her address, know her social security number and could even go as far as stealing her identity. she's a new woman, or is she? i know people who've had identities stolen and houses purchased by con artists. this world we live in. this place where a dollar takes the place of reaching out to the palm underneath it for some sense of unity. some sense of security. for this is the first time and won't be the last that the government once again has us turn on one another for what we lack, or what we think we lack, at the hands of complete strangers. no one sitting behind their desk with a tie, a cigar and an oceanfront property in the keys is being robbed. no one lining their pockets with crispy green paper at the expense of hardworking americans is giving up a time to those less fortunate.

what's been stolen is more than just money, or identity. we've lost who we are. and the government continues to steal the last bits of humanity we have left.

*the purse is found shortly after in a the men's bathroom. all that was taken was the money. but at what cost? is there humanity after all?*

where the sidewalk ends...

...those days. when you sit and wonder: how did i get here exactly? where did i make a right, instead of left? the time has flown by ..along with your dreams, aspirations, hopes, goals, even love..or what's supposed to make that organ inside your chest beat erratically, as serotonin floods your mind and body...feel good. if only for a little while. realistically speaking, all the things you said you would you be, you're not, all the places you said you would go, you've never been. you wonder how to change all of this again. a rebirth. an spiritual journey inward to make sense of the chaos that has become your life, your light, a permanent fixture in the ceiling of the world you call home...dim and in dire need of a change. the natural light isn't doing it for you anymore. you need more. you need more. i need more. we need more. you wake up, you brush your teeth, you groom. you put yourself together for another day. just like the last. and you wonder why it always seems to last. so long. maybe longer than yesterday. but still ironically the same. and before you know it, another year of days like that has gone by. wearing a watch would only be confirmation of the time slipping away like the sands in an hourglass. you can't stop it, you can only jump into the flow of whatever today means and what tomorrow will bring. take that leap. see what's after the sidewalk ends.

outside in

dreams that are fraught
with an awakening
a celestial space-ining
lining the walls of my mind
and painting pictures
that are visible only
from the inside out
outside in
she looks in
and i look out
and in
to her inside out
outside in
the hues of her splendor
blending into mine
one can begin
where the other ends
interlocking twists of fragile moments
made stronger by depth
made stronger by what's left