broken.

What does it mean when you cant stop loving someone? When they are supposed to be out of your life, your thoughts, your heart and soul.. or wait…don’t people say that if they are then you never really loved them at all? But then how are you supposed to move on, live your life, love another when all your heart yearns for is that chance to really be loved by someone you gave your heart to, waiting for them to see you as you see them.

Wait for them to need you as much as you’ve always needed them.

Wait for them.

But for how long?

Higher Education = lower expectations

Sometimes that’s how I feel – that by working in higher education I’m lowering my expectations, of what I could be, of what others THINK I could possibly be. Both seem to have the same answer: Nobody

Perhaps this feeling stems from 5 years of working in higher education helping others pursue their educational avenues and inspirations while I struggle to make even the slightest time for mine. Perhaps because doing so pays the bills, and puts food on the table but almost always starves my soul. My soul feels empty at the pointless work I do every day, the mindless mundane tasks and even when there is something challenging completed, the lack of appreciation always leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Everyone has suggestions. Quit your job. Go to school full time. Find another job. Ideally I would love to do all of the above if I could but unlike 80% of the 20-something generation I don’t have parents, other family members or a significant other to lean on if I make some sort of rash decision. I don’t have anyone to carry the load. I never have had anyone and I don’t suspect that will change any time soon, but the real problem is what does that mean for my future? Do I even still have a future? I can’t remember what that looks like or feels like. That glimmering, blind hope and faith when I was 18, ready to take on the world, fall in love and become someone others would dare to dream of being and then so suddenly, like a shooting star, I fell. Then there was darkness.

I write poetry, I read, I take classes whenever I can but nothing and no one on earth can satisfy my thirst for knowledge, and my desire to be more than just another face in the crowd and be someone that can really help others, mainly children. People always seem shocked when I say that I want to help kids. “Oh you want to work with kids?” Astonished face. How quickly we all forget that we too were once kids, with dreams, goals and aspirations. How many of us had them diminished by friends, family, lovers and just regular old life doing what it does best – challenging us? Where could we have made better choices? What other things did we have going on that everyone else overlooked? I find myself asking those questions every day as I look around at the “success” of those who at least had one solid focused caring person in their corner. When I search the confines of my mind, I can’t seem to find that person anywhere. I find the search engine, enter “inspiration, motivator” and no one comes up. Not sure what that means or if maybe I’m searching for the wrong thing amongst fallen memories, but I do know one thing, I’ve learned and lost with learning – lost pieces of me, lost pieces of my heart, lost pieces of what truly makes me the person I once was who now sits in the shell of who I’ve become. How can I change that person and still feel whole?

I search for the answers every morning that I open my eyes, wonder what the day will bring if I will ever be able to continue on my spiritual journey of self-actualization instead of only being able to mildly help others with theirs. It’s a lonely road, which sometimes feels devoid of love, purpose and understanding, but I try to feed it to myself through my words and feelings of self-worth when I can.

I want to achieve my great expectations.

Ready or not.